Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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