The maid of honor just puked.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize