i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
