i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
