Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
