this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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