you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
