omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize