Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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