Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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