you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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