Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
