Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
