i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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