WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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