Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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