Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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