You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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