Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
