So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
