my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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