If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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