I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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