How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
