Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want nice things and good sex
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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