i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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