I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
