To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
