My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
