I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
