How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
