she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
