Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
