All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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