I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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