I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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