i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
