fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
