i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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