someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize