Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
