Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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