My liver just broke up with me...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
