Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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