ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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