you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize