I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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