I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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