I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
