I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
