At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
