Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
