my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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