I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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