I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
