Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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