i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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