i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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