Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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