I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
