She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
