I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
