For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize