I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
