he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
