FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
