youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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