Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
