hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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