i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
