it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
