Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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