So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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