saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
be right there i have to get my cape
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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