He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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