We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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