Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
