walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You can't special order awesome
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
