fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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